A friend recently said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“In America, only the rich and the poor can afford to have children.”

At first, it sounded cynical. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized why so many middle-class families feel this way.

Before losing my federal job, I was a GS-14 Step 5 working in Washington, DC. By most measures, I was doing well. I had a master’s degree, nearly thirteen years of federal service, and owned a modest three-bedroom, two-bath home in a gentrifying neighborhood in Northeast DC—not Georgetown, not Capitol Hill, and certainly not Upper Northwest.

Yet when I sat down to budget for parenthood, the numbers were sobering.

After taxes, health insurance, and retirement contributions, my mortgage consumed roughly half of my take-home pay. Once I factored in daycare, utilities, groceries, transportation, and other essentials, I would have been left with only about $1,600 to $1,800 a month for everything else.

That may sound comfortable on paper. In Washington, DC, it is not.

Infant daycare can rival a college tuition payment. Summer camps can cost hundreds of dollars a week. A single home repair can wipe out months of savings. Every financial decision becomes a calculation.

And I was one of the fortunate ones—a homeowner with a stable professional career.

The Two Americas of Family Support

One of the paradoxes of life in Washington, DC, is that substantial support exists for families with low incomes.

Families meeting income requirements may qualify for housing assistance, SNAP benefits, TANF, Medicaid, and subsidized childcare. Parents can receive support while working, studying, or searching for employment. These programs are essential and help ensure children have access to basic needs regardless of their parents’ circumstances.

At the other end of the spectrum are affluent families. They may not qualify for government assistance, but they earn enough to absorb the costs of raising children. Daycare, summer camps, extracurricular activities, larger homes, and private services are expensive, but manageable.

The challenge lies in the middle.

Families earning too much to qualify for assistance often face the full market cost of everything while receiving little support. Housing. Childcare. Healthcare. Summer camps. After-school programs. Retirement savings. College savings.

There is no subsidy for being “comfortable on paper.”

Learning About the Safety Net From the Other Side

I gained a new perspective after being laid off from my federal job while pregnant.

For the first time in my life, I found myself relying on programs I had previously understood only from a policy perspective. I qualified for WIC and SNAP while navigating unemployment, caring for a newborn, and searching for my next professional chapter.

The experience gave me a deep appreciation for these programs. They provided critical support during an incredibly vulnerable period in my life.

But I also experienced how quickly assistance can disappear.

When I began taking on a small consulting project, earning approximately $1,600 for the month, my SNAP benefits for my daughter and me dropped from $546 per month to approximately $250.

On paper, the system was working as designed. I had additional income, so my benefits decreased.

But what the formula didn’t fully capture was that my mortgage remained exactly the same. My utility bills remained exactly the same. My homeowner’s insurance remained exactly the same. The cost of groceries had not magically fallen because I earned a little extra money.

In practice, much of the consulting income was offset by the reduction in benefits.

This is often referred to as the “benefits cliff”—the point at which earning more money can result in the loss of assistance faster than a family’s overall financial situation improves.

Again, this is not an argument against safety-net programs. Quite the opposite. My family benefited from them when we needed them most.

It is an argument for recognizing that the path from poverty to financial stability is rarely a smooth upward climb.

The Childcare Cliff

Childcare may be the clearest example of the challenge facing middle-income families.

In many cities, full-time infant care costs well over $20,000 per year. Yet families can earn just enough to lose eligibility for childcare assistance while still struggling to pay market rates.

A promotion, a raise, or a small consulting contract may improve a family’s income on paper while leaving them only marginally better off in practice.

That reality shapes family planning decisions.

What Happens When Families Delay Children

Americans are having fewer children and having them later in life. Financial concerns consistently rank among the reasons.

Housing costs have risen. Childcare costs have risen. Healthcare costs have risen. College costs have risen.

Yet many middle-income wages have not kept pace.

When a professional earning what should be considered a solid salary feels uncertain about whether they can afford a child, it raises an uncomfortable question:

What does that mean for everyone else?

The Missing Middle

Too often, our conversations focus on poverty or wealth.

But there is a growing group of Americans caught in between. They earn too much to qualify for meaningful assistance but not enough to comfortably afford the costs of modern family life.

They are teachers, nurses, civil servants, nonprofit professionals, social workers, and countless others who keep our communities functioning.

Many have done everything society asked of them. They earned degrees. Built careers. Saved for retirement. Bought modest homes. Worked hard.

Yet they still find themselves wondering how they will pay for daycare, summer camp, groceries, and housing at the same time.

When a society reaches the point where raising children feels financially feasible only for those receiving substantial assistance or those with significant wealth, it is worth asking whether we have built an economy that truly supports families.

The conversation should not be about choosing between helping poor families and helping middle-class families.

It should be about creating a society where having children does not feel like a luxury good.